


JUST FUCK ALREADY!

by AnotherLostSoul



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: "Alexa! How do you finger someones ass properly", A wild Aiber appears, Aiber is in the closet, Arguing, Awkward Boners, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bickering, Bottom L (Death Note), Complete (thank god), Crack Treated Seriously, Death Note or ASS, Drug Use, Even the smut in this is cracky!, Fighting Kink, Fighting turns to grinding OH MY!, Fist Fights, Fluff and Smut, Friendship Bracelets, Gateway Games are a menace to society, Gay Panic, Idiots in Love, Innapropriate live streaming on Twitter, Jealousy, L and Light are such childish assholes in this, L and Light become THAT couple, L and Light get locked in a closet, L and Light snarking at one another, L announces he's gay, L gains a pet Shinigami, L has an addiction, L is a bottom bitch forever, L is a petty bitch, L is sexually clueless, L's a kinky guy, Light doesn't like tuna, Light has a tough decision to make, Light has naughty dreams, Light is a Grammar Nazi, Live streamed twitter sex, M/M, Matsuda identifies as a penguin, Misa is oblivious, Mutual Pining, Not Canon Compliant, Office mugs. L style, Rem discovers alcohol, Ryuk and Rem wonder why the hell they even bother, Seriously they just need to fuck already, Sexting, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Taking down the Nasty Kira guy, Task Force Whatsapp, The Task Force Bitterly regret their actions, The Task Force are getting like zero work done, The Task Force are sick of their shit, The snark is real!, They are so damn oblivious, This Is STUPID, Top Yagami Light, Wedy is so done, Yotsuba Arc, cuteness and stupidity, disastrous dates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-27 02:36:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21384679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherLostSoul/pseuds/AnotherLostSoul
Summary: L and Light are at each other's throats and it is only getting worse. After yet another fight gets out of hand, Watari and the Task Force team up to get the stubborn young men to just FUCK ALREADY!Crack treated seriously. God Help...
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 115
Kudos: 196





	1. Broken Noses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [epicpenguinexplosion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/epicpenguinexplosion/gifts).

> This is something that popped into my head after re-watching THAT fight between the narcissistic god-wannabe and the cute frog-man. I'm only thinking what a thousand Yaoi fangirls have thought before me: Them boys just need to fuck already! 
> 
> This is going to be shortish, smutty, cracky oneshot. Spoiler alert: Light dosen't regain his memories and the thing that totally DID NOT happen in ep 25 dosen't happen. Noooope. They just screw like bunnies and fall in love. 
> 
> The. End.
> 
> This is for EpicPenguinExplosion who just makes me laugh my head off with the fabulous reviews 😂
> 
> Enjoy! ❤

It was when Ryuzaki said he wanted him to be Kira that Light snapped. Before he even knew what he was doing, he launched himself at the skinny detective and shoved him onto his back. He straddled his waist and glared down at him, that pointy, caucsian nose just _begging_ to be punched. 

"Aaahhh!" Misa's squeal distracted him and the sneaky bastard beneath him took the opportunity to buck his hips and dislodge him. Light grunted as he crashed to the ground, Ryuzaki's dark eyes gleaming in victory as he loomed over him. 

"It appears Light-Kun has an issue with what I just said" L's smirk sent Light's teeth on edge. He knew he should leave it there. Ryuzaki had gotten a good few kicks on him and his stomach ached but Ryuzaki's jaw was already starting to swell from one of his punches. It was evens. 

The problem was, neither of them _wanted_ evens anymore. 

"Argh!" Light slammed his fist down right into L's nose and heard a satisfying _**crunch**_! 

"You…" L's eyes widened comically and his face went somehow paler as blood dripped from his nose. "You _broke_ my nose!"

_'Oh, shit'_ Light swallowed thickly, aware he'd crossed a line here. It was all well and good when they had their little spats to punch and kick one another but breaking bones was one of those unwritten rules they both knew, didn't talk about, but nonetheless stuck to. 

Until now anyway. 

"You son of a bitch" L growled, his stormy eyes flashing with fury. It was the first time Light had ever heard the detective swear and his mouth hung open in shock. 

As Misa scrambled for the door and yelled for help, L jabbed his fist into Light's stomach and knocked the breath from him. Struggling to breath, Light coughed and sputtered for air as L rolled them over again. Light barely had chance to flinch away from the punch before pain exploded in his face. 

"An eye for an eye" L snarled, "How'd you like having a broken nose too, Light-Kun?"

Light could barely answer through the pain but he glared up at L, his amber eyes screaming retribution. L simply smirked and stood up. 

"I win" L announced, a smug timbre to his voice. "Try _harder_ next time"

As Light lay gasping for breath and breathing through the pain he suddenly realised what L had meant. Adrenaline was pumping through his veins and his cock was rock hard inside his slacks. 

_'Shit!'_

************************

The Task Force were at their wits end. It was apparent to everyone but L and Light that the reason they were constantly fighting, bickering and staring at one another was because they were sexually attracted to each other. 

The sexual tension between them was that thick that even Matsuda could feel it, yet the two supposed genii refused to see what was right in front of their (broken and bandaged) noses. 

L glared at his chainmate as Light reached for his cup of coffee, dislodging some papers he was pretending to read. 

"Can you _not_" L sniped as he tugged his papers back, irritation radiating off him in waves. 

"Can I not, what? Drink my coffee? Screw you, Ryuzaki" Light snarled right back, the dull ache in his nose souring his mood. 

"No. _Breathe_" L hissed. 

"For goodness sake, you two!" Watari sighed and ran a hand through his hair, "Would it kill either of you to just try and be civil to one another?"

"Well yes, _me_, probably, since Light is Kira" L glared at Light. "Or used to be since he's conveniently forgotten everything"

"You bast-" Light yelped as he was suddenly pulled away by his father. 

"That does it! How are we supposed to concentrate on the investigation when we are constantly babysitting you two!" Souichiro, who was at his wits end, exploded. 

"I'm twenty two, Yagami-San, I don't require a 'babysitter'" L felt the need to point out, pride rattled a bit by the chief of police's words. 

"Yes you _do_, Ryuzaki!" Light, Souichiro, Watari and Aizawa all burst out simultaneously. 

L pouted. 

"Least I didn't get a hard on during a fight" he muttered cattily under his breath. Light's eyes narrowed into slits. 

"You probably can't even _get_ hard!" Light inwardly cursed himself when Watari's eyebrows shot up. He had said that a little loudly… 

"Yes I can. I just appear to be normal in the regard fighting with you doesn't get me going" L smiled nastily, "And you call _me_ weird, Light-Kun"

"Can we please not talk about erections!" Matsuda piped up after a moment of shocked silence. 

For once, there was agreement all around. L returned to his work (a cover for what he was actually doing, namely sulking) and Light tried to drink his coffee in peace.

He wasn't being very successful though. L's words rang in his head and he was disturbed by the truth in them. You see, Light Yagami had a bit of a problem. He'd started having _those_ dreams about L and being chained to the man 24/7 had given him very little opportunity to 'relieve' himself and he was getting very frustrated. 

'_I don't like him that way. He infuriates me. This is a symptom of close confinement, that's all_' Light tried to reassure himself, eyes once again straying to the curve of L's neck. 

_'Yeah, fucking right'_ his brain piped up mockingly. Light sighed and placed his head in his hands. He was Nineteen years old, suspected of being Kira, chained to an insomniac detective who pissed him off in every single way possible and… 

He _might_ have a crush on him. 

Great... 


	2. Friendship Bracelets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watari decides destraction and friendly competition between L and Light will result in friendlier relations between the pair. 
> 
> He soon regrets this decision. 😂

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so dumb 😂😂 inspired by me and my bestie making friendship Bracelets with the words: Hoe-Bag and Bitch-Tits for one another ❤

That evening Watari commissioned an emergency meeting with the Task Force to discuss the pressing issue of just what to do with Light and L. 

The subjects of the meeting were sent up to bed early, something L scoffed at "I'm the world's greatest detective, you _can't_ just send me off to bed, Watari"

L had soon learned that Watari actually _could_ and he sulked all the way up to their bedroom. Light's amusement didn't help, nor did the threat hanging over them. Souichiro and Watari had decided if either L or Light even thought about continuing their fight then each member of the Task Force would work in shifts to babysit them around the clock. 

It was bad enough to be sent to bed at twenty two, but L downright refused to be 'babysat' by _Matsuda_. Therefore, he decided the best thing to do was simply ignore Light. His nose was throbbing and he actually felt tired from the pain meds. Hopefully he would be able to turn this enforced early night to his advantage and actually sleep for a change. 

Light, meanwhile, was silently seething. He was twenty in just ten days! So what if they'd broke one another's noses, that didn't justify treating them like children. L wasn't speaking to him and that was annoying the hell out of him. He'd rather have L's snarky insults than this dragging, heavy silence. 

_'Fine. I will be the bigger person since he seems intent on sulking all night_' Light thought as they stood side by side to brush their teeth. 

Once they were ready for bed L immediately curled up on his side, the chain stretching the foot or so of space separating them. 

"Look, Ryuzaki, this silence is getting annoying now" Light began, his voice heavy in the darkness and silence of the room. "I'm _sorry_, okay? I shouldn't have broken your nose"

His answer was a muffled, "Don't expect me to apologize for breaking yours" from under the covers. "Cos I don't regret it"

Light breathed deeply, resisting the urge to pick up the chain and wrap it around that <strike>pretty</strike>, pale neck. 

"I'm trying to be civil here, Ryuzaki" Light ground out, "You could try and do the same"

L eventually poked his head out from beneath the duvet and fixed him with a blank stare. "Apology accepted. Goodnight" as soon as the words had left his mouth he flopped back onto his side and curled into a ball. 

Obviously he had taken the majority of the duvet with him. 

'_Prick_' Light sighed and lay on his back, hoping sleep would come easily to him tonight. Of course, it didn't. As L's breathing evened out and the Detective fell asleep, Light couldn't help but wonder what his father and Watari were saying about them… 

*******************

"I say we lock them in the bathroom together. Or the broom closet" Matsuda announced when Watari asked the group for ideas during their brainstorming session. 

"That would probably lead to murder but okay" Aizawa scribbled it down on the whiteboard regardless. Desperate times and all that. 

"How about if we dose their morning coffee with viagra and then lock them in a room together? Let nature take its course..."

Everyone turned to Mogi in wide-eyed surprise. It was true then: it _was_ always the quiet ones you had to watch! 

"That's legally rather gray, even by Ryuzaki's standards" Watari shook his head. "No, what we need is something more… subtle"

"Force them to make friendship bracelets for each other?"

Souichiro sighed and shook his head at Matsuda's suggestion. He was about to open his mouth to remind Matsuda the young men in question were not (physically) at least children, when Watari nodded thoughtfully. 

"I believe that has potential…"

"You aren't seriously considering making those two sit down and make friendship bracelets for each other are you?" Aizawa mocked, "It's obvious by the amount of time Light spends staring at L's ass they both want a bit more than 'friendship'"

Watari sighed deeply. "Yes, we all know our lives would be a lot easier if they just… accepted their feelings for one another, but what you are conveniently forgetting is that they are both, for all their intelligence, _childish_. If we force them to complete challenging bonding activities together they will naturally compete with one another and hopefully become closer in the process"

"Bonding activities…" Matsuda scratched his head. "Okay, I guess, but I still think the best way forward is to just book them both into a love hotel and-"

"_Thank you_, Matsuda" Souichiro pinched the bridge of his nose to delay the pressure headache he could feel coming along. He really did not need that mental image of his son and Ryuzaki in a love hotel, thank you very much! 

"So. It's decided. For the next week, L and Light will be completing a series of bonding exercises" Watari's voice said 'case closed' and everyone wanted to fuck off him for the night so no one voice any objections. 

As soon as the team left, Watari got to work ordering friendship bracelet kits and other fun activities for the boys. If they were going to persist in acting like children rather than the phenomenally intelligent young men they were supposed to be, he would treat them like it. 

And maybe, just maybe, out of their annoyance they would actually begin to bond… 

********************

The next day, L and Light continued to not speak to one another, yet they could sense their hostility was mellowing. Both of them were in slightly better moods and had woken up with limbs entwined and aching hard ons. Asleep, their bodies had sought out one another. Awake, L and Light would believe no such thing. Obviously neither said anything about it. L didn't mention Light's rather large erection pressing against his ass (or how amazing that had felt) and Light certainly didn't mention how L had snuggled into him and even nuzzled his neck a few times. Nope, those things were best kept in the 'Do not speak off' file. 

"Uh…." Light glanced up at Watari, a frown of confusion marring his handsome face, "What is this, Watari-San?"

Watari smiled as he placed the box in front of L and Light. 

"It's a friendship bracelet making kit, Light-Kun. As you two are working today I would like you to create a bracelet for one another. It will be a fun and meaningful outlet for your creativity and passion without punching one another. Plus, Friendship bracelets are nice, aren't they?"

L snorted into his cup of coffee and raised his arm, forcing Light to raise his as well so the chain jingled between them. "Got one already" L pointed out dryly. 

_'Urgh, you are such a jerk'_ Light thought as he examined the kit in front of him, an evil idea coming to mind as he saw beads with letters on them. He'd play ball and make L a _special_ bracelet. "Alright then" Light said mildly, making L look at him with a hint of surprise. 

"Good. It will be interesting to see the final results" Watari said slyly. As expected, L's competitive streak flared up and the young detective grabbed a handful of beads. 

"Fine" L muttered as he began to rifle through the different colour string and beads. He decided he'd use red since it was Light's favourite collar. He'd spell out the words he wanted in black, just for extra effect. 

The team were pleasantly surprised as L and Light quietly got to work between sips of coffee. L even thanked Light when he passed him the yellow beads out of his reach. 

"Maybe we just need to get them focused on something else other than each other?" Mogi suggested as he glanced over at the pair. "They haven't argued in an _hour_!"

"Mmm, perhaps" Watari smiled as he noted how close they were sitting together. It appeared since they were distracted by something they weren't aware of their unconscious desire to be close to each other. Light even rested his hand on L's knee as he reached over to grab some extra thread. 

Obviously Watari knew he couldn't keep them doing such trivial tasks forever (especially considering they were _supposed_ to be concentrating on catching a serial killer) but hopefully he wouldn't have to. Once they finally sorted out the issue of their sexual attraction and solved it, perhaps they would be more focused and thus the Kira case could be solved! 

At this point, the team were willing to try anything. 

"Done" Light announced triumphantly as he held up his blue, silver and white bracelet. "Here you go, Ryuzaki, oh, do you need a little more time?"

L, who was finishing up an elaborate French twist, smirked and continued to finish off his bracelet. "Quality sometimes takes a little longer. I see you stuck to the ameutur twin braid design. No wonder you finished so quickly"

"Meow" Matsuda mumbled. Who would have guessed the World's Greatest Detective was such a catty bitch?! 

Light huffed, irritated as he watched L's slim, dexterous, <strike>beautiful</strike> fingers deftly weave the final few centimeters of the bracelet. "Done. And mine is better than yours too" L announced. "Far more complex"

"Well, let's see about that" Light appeared entirely too smug as he handed his bracelet to Watari. 

Watari turned it over and sighed at what the lettered beads spelled out. "Really, Light-Kun?"

Light's smirk grew. He'd included the word _**JERK**_ on four black beads in the center of L's bracelet. 

L stood up to peer at his bracelet. "Funny" he muttered sourly. "Here's mine" he passed Light his intricately woven bracelet with a sweet smile. "Hope you like it!"

Light's eyes narrowed at the words L had chosen to adorn his bracelet. L had to go that one step further didn't he? _**Stuck up Bastard :) **_

"BOYS!" Watari scolded. 

The Task Force sighed collectively. Maybe Mogi's and Matsuda's ideas about aphrodisiacs and love hotels really weren't as bad as they'd first thought… 


	3. Crushes and WhatsApp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light talk crushes, Misa is oblivious and the Task Force conspire via WhatsApp...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so dumb! I love it 😂

After the friendship bracelet idea failed, it was back to the drawing board. Watari decided it wasn't a complete loss though, since L and Light had both insisted on wearing their bracelets anyway. Misa had gotten jealous and demanded Light make her a bracelet too, and the pair had bonded by 'accidentally' throwing the reminder of the kit away. 

Surprisingly, it was Misa's presence in the HQ that got L and Light on speaking terms again. Or at least 'shooting each other knowing looks and rolling their eyes at her stupidity' terms. Bonding over their mutual irritation helped heal the rift between them anyway, something the team was grateful for. 

"Oooh, look it's Hideki Ryuuga! He is _so_ dreamy! Of course not as dreamy as my Light but still…" Misa sighed as she flipped through her magazine. "Does Light have a crush? MisaMisa promises not to be jealous so long as Light still likes her best"

"MisaMisa needs to stop referring to herself in third person" L muttered between mouthfuls of jello, "She sounds like an idiot"

"Huh? Did you say something, Ryuzaki?" Misa looked up, a confused frown on her face. L kept his face perfectly blank as he shook his head, eyes widened innocently. 

Light grinned at his… chainmate and quickly took a sip of coffee to hide his smirk when Misa narrowed her eyes suspiciously at them. 

"Were you being mean to me, Ryuzaki?!"

"Wouldn't dream of it" Deadpan tone. 

"Ah god, here we go again" Mogi groaned as Misa stomped over to the pair and dropped herself in Light's lap. Light squawked in protest as Misa glared at a still blank-faced L. 

"You know, I'm glad Light broke your nose!"

L narrowed his eyes but otherwise did not react. He had learnt with Misa Amane the surest way to irritate her was to deny her the one thing she coveted: attention. He turned his back on her and continued to hack into Yotsuba's database.

"Erie Kuna" Light suddenly blurted out as Misa opened her mouth to yell at L for ignoring her. 

"Huh?" Misa snapped her head to Light. "That's your crush, that pale, lanky guy?"

_'Yeah, that pale, lanky guy who reminds me of L'_ Light thought before he could stop himself. "Yeah. He's cute"

"Course he looks similar to L" Matsuda mumbled under his breath as he did a quick Google search on the actor. 

"Hmpf! Well, MisaMisa is glad it isn't another _girl_ anyway!" Misa pressed a kiss to Light's cheek and hopped off his lap. "I've got to go to work now, Sweetie. See you later!"

In a cloud of sickeningly sweet perfume, Misa flounced off much to the relief of every male present. Matsuda decided it was time to test a pet theory of his and walked over to L and Light. It wasn't like anyone was actually getting much work done. Even the Chief was whispering with Watari about how to get through to 'those pair of idiotic geniuses'

"You know, Erie Kuna looks kinda familiar…" Matsuda began, a devilish smile on his face as Light turned beet-red and looked the other way. "Don't you think, Ryuzaki?"

L shrugged, not interested AT ALL in who Light had a crush on. 

'_Seriously?!'_ Matsuda fought the urge to facepalm and smiled sweetly at L. "Well, since we're talking crushes, what about you? Do you have a crush on someone, Ryuzaki?"

"Subtle" Aizawa 'coughed'. 

"No. I don't" L said it a little too quickly, and the way the tips of his ears turned red was a dead giveaway too. Light side-eyed him, wondering who the hell he had a crush on. 

"Ah, but that is not true, Ryuzaki, if I remember correctly you have a soft spot for a certain Matio Nari" Watari butted in, grinning like a Cherise cat. "I believe he also looks rather familiar. In fact, he bears a striking resemblance to young Yagami over here…"

"No he doesn't!" L blurted out, eyes widening in panic. "They have the same hair colour, that's all! And I don't even like him. Oh my god, _shut up_ Watari" L grumbled as his handler smirked at him knowingly. 

L and Light looked at one another, both flushed with embarrassment. Matsuda leaned forward expectantly. Surely they would put two and two together and realise their respective crushes resembled each other… right? 

Wrong. 

L immediately announced he was doing more hacking and he didn't want to be disturbed, before putting on a pair of headphones to block out whatever Matsuda was saying. 

_'This is going to be harder than I thought'_ Matsuda slouched over to his desk, utterly dejected. There had to be a way to get them to realise they wanted to fuck each other… '_I've got it! What if we pretended L had a secret admirer and sent him some chocolates and a card or something. That would definitely get Light jealous enough to stake a claim! Just like Mapa did in 'Silver Street' that one time! And they all call me stupid!' _

With a pleased smirk, Matsuda sent a group message to the Task Force WhatsApp group (minus L and Light) that was aptly named '**JUST FUCK ALREADY**' and propesed his plan of action. In true democratic style, they decided to try Matsuda's idea by 3 votes to 2. Mogi, Aizawa and Matsuda had voted 'YES' whilst Watari and Souichiro had voted 'NO'

**Watari: I doubt Light-Kun would buy it, and neither would Ryuzaki. The lad doesn't have a social life, where is this supposed crush supposed to have encountered him? His anonymity is of paramount importance, Matsuda-San! **

**Matsuda: Oh. Bugger. I forgot about that :(**

**Aizawa: Surely there must be SOMEONE?! **

**Watari: Maybe Aiber… **

**Souichiro: Who's Aiber? **

**Watari: L has noticed us all texting. Let's discuss this later. I will give Aiber a ring and propose this idea to him. **

**Matsuda: YAY! :D**

**Aizawa: Shut up, Matsuda. **

**Matsuda: :(**

L and Light shared a look of disbelief as the team simultaneously pocketed their phones and resumed their earlier duties, an heir of contrived innocence about them. 

"What the hell?" L frowned. "Light-Kun, I think something funny is going on here"

"Gee, you think?" Light nearly slapped himself at how sarcy that had sounded. He actually hadn't meant it that way but he supposed prolonged exposure to L brought out the snark in him. 

L's eyes narrowed and the frostiness between them returned full force. In revenge, L reached over to Light's desk and snatched up his blueberry muffin. 

"Hey!" Light yelped. He'd been looking forward to eating that! 

L licked it childishly before shoving it in his mouth. "Screwf foo" he mumbled before turning back to his screen. 

Souichiro sighed as he witnessed the display and stealthily thumbed another message to the group:

**Souichiro: I'm in. This can't continue. Let's organize a lift malfunction later and lock those two in for an hour so we can plot and contact this Aiber person. **

And so, operation 'Make Light jealous and confess his feelings to L' was born... 


	4. Utter Failure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Task Force think Matsuda's plan might work. They're soon in for a rude awakening. Meanwhile, we discover L has an addiction, Light has a naughty dream and the boys have a surprisingly mature heart to heart in the lift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for EpicPenguinExplosion whose Live commentry always makes me laugh. 
> 
> Any typos etc are because I'm drunk. 💁

"Why does this always happen?!" L huffed as he slid his back down the wall of the lift and prepared for another hour wait while the maintenance person fixed the lift again. For some reason the lift always seemed to break down when he and Light were in it. He'd asked Watari to replace the maintenance guy numerous times but for some reason his handler always refused.

It was fast becoming a pain in the ass, and not of the good kind either. 

Light let out a resigned sigh and gracefully sat down, legs stretched out as he settled himself to wait. Surely this wasn't coincidence. This was the fourth time this had happened now… 

"Should have bought snacks with me" L lamented as his belly rumbled. It had been two hours since he last had sugar and he was feeling it. 

Light hesitated. He actually had some strawberry pocky in his pocket his sister had given him. Did L deserve it? No. He'd eaten his muffin. But… those big, sad eyes and adorable pout on his face were rather convincing. '_Urgh, I am such a sucker for that face'_ Light thought as he reached into his pocket and handed L the box of candy. "Here, will these do?"

L's face lit up. "Really? Thank you, Light-Kun!"

Light smiled, his heart beating a little faster in his chest as L began to nibble on the candy. '_Why do you have to be so cute?_' Light lamented. He'd come to accept that yes, he had a crush on L. The problem was L obviously didn't return his feelings! 

"I'm sorry for eating your muffin. That was shitty of me" L finally admitted after a few moments silence. "I'll buy you some more for your birthday"

Light snorted. "They wouldn't last two minutes, L"

L raised an eyebrow at the use of his 'real' name. Since it was just the two of them stuck in the lift he decided to let it slide. "They would" he protested. "I'd just have to get Watari to look after them for me…"

"We'll see" Light leaned back against the mirror and closed his eyes. He was actually pretty tired and his nose was still throbbing. They both had the Dr tomorrow. That would be fun… 

"You know, I am actually sorry I broke your nose" Light opened his eyes and looked at L. His nose had started bleeding a bit through the bandage. "We shouldn't have taken things that far"

In a rare moment of maturity, L nodded. "Yes, I'm sorry too"

"Are we friends, L?" Light asked quietly. L finished off his Pocky, mulling that loaded question over in his mind. 

Light had been Kira. There was no doubt in his mind about that. Light was also insanely attractive and the only peer he had ever really interacted with before. For all of their spats and fights he found Light's presence exhilarating. He lived for the challenge of their verbal sparring and chess matches. Since Light had entered his life he wasn't bored anymore. 

"Yes… after a fashion" L finally replied. "I've got your friendship bracelet on, haven't I?" He proudly displayed the '_**JERK**_' bracelet. 

"Yeah" Light thought back to when L had first put the handcuffs on him. He still couldn't remember the months leading up to that, still couldn't remember when he'd met Misa or why he was with her. "L… look, this isn't a confession or anything but… if I was Kira… I don't want to be him again. I just can't remember anything and the Kira killings are still going on. I've been thinking… do you think Kira's powers are transferable from person to person?"

L looked up sharply at the pivot in conversation. He analysed Light's face and eyes for any sign of deception but found none. Had his words really hit home? "I think there is a high probability of that being the case" L finally admitted. "I also believe that you were Kira. I cannot convict you for crimes you do not remember commiting, nor can I convict you if you were not in full control of your faculties as it seems to be indicated. The only thing I can do, for now, is to keep you close and monitor you to see if your memories and power returns" L heaved out a sigh, "I personally hope they do not and we can catch whoever is acting as Kira now"

Light swallowed thickly, his heart pounding in his chest. It felt strange, to speak so candidly with L, and he felt quite overwhelmed by it all. "Do you think any less of me?" Light asked softly, "For being Kira?"

L shrugged. "I never took the Kira case for the honorable reasons, Light. If you were Kira and you killed all those people then yes, obviously that's a rather grim mark on your character. However, you interest me and you aren't Kira now. Provided your memories do not return and you don't kill anyone else I'm willing to let it slide"

"Gee, thanks" Light offered L a small smile, "Let's just work together to find out the truth, yeah?"

"Yeah" L replied, astonished they'd actually had a meaningful conversation without hitting one another. 

(Meanwhile) 

"So… you want me to pretend to have a crush on L?" Aiber summarized. He was on webcam with Watari and the team, listening to their plans. 

"Yes. What do you say?" Watari cut straight to the chase. 

"Well… alright then. As long as L doesn't expect things to go down the birds and bees route, because my fragile masculinity wouldn't be able to handle kissing a guy…"

Watari rolled his eyes at the sleazy Italian. "He doesn't even like you that way. Or at all really. In fact, he called you a 'A goat-faced Douche bag' quite recently-"

Aiber's goat-like face fell. "And why should I help again?"

"M.O.N.E.Y" the team said in unison. 

"Ah, right. Yes. Money. Alright then. I will get to work right away. L will have his delivery in the morning!" With that, Aiber signed off to head to a local florist. 

Resisting the urge to cackle like a Disney villain, Matsuda rubbed his hands together with glee. Tomorrow L would have his candy and roses and hopefully it would be just the push Light needed to make a claim on L's <strike>sweet</strike> ass. 

***********************

After finally being rescued from the lift, L and Light took their showers (neither of them admitting to taking a sneaky peek of the other) and climbed into bed. 

"You know, I think getting stuck in that lift was actually a good thing" Light said to the darkness as he stared up at the ceiling. L, who was typing away at his laptop, didn't bother answering. "Hey!"

Light rolled over and stared in shock at what he saw. L, the World's Greatest Detective was playing _Candy Crush_. 

"It's not what it looks like!" L hastily slammed the lid down on his laptop. "I can't help it, okay? I'm addicted, Light-Kun. I can't stop! It's the colours and the candy and… urgh. You aren't going to tell anyone, are you?"

Light smirked at the pleading look on L's face. Finally, some leverage! 

"I won't say anything if you quit it with the constant Kira percentages" Light held out his hand. "Deal?"

L sighed. "That's just something Kira would say"

"L…" Warningly. 

"Oh, alright then" L huffed and shook his hand. "Not a word to anyone, especially Watari. He doesn't need to know I've spent £2,100 on in game boosters"

Light rolled his eyes. L was such an idiot at times. 

With that settled, Light tried to relax and drift off to sleep while L fed his addiction. As far as addictions went it was a rather cute, harmless one. Light got his wish and fell asleep rather quickly, unfortunately though, he began having a very x-rated dream about L licking syrup and hundreds and thousands of his dick. 

"Oooooh, suck it, Baby!" Light moaned, erection tenting the sheet. L whipped his head to look at Light and bit his lip. 

_'Fuck, that's hot'_ L thought before he could stop himself. He debated whether he should wake Light up or not. If he woke him up it would be extremely awkward, if he didn't that would make him a creepy pervert for watching… 

L sighed and shut off his laptop, before rolling onto his side and curling into a ball. It seemed Light's dream had 'a happy ending' going by the long moan he let out. 

Doing his best to ignore his own arousal, L squeezed his eyes shut and tried counting sheep. It didn't work. He tried counting fallen candy and eventually dropped off to that instead… 

******************

The next morning brought shame to Light (because waking up with your own dried jizz in your pants was never a good thing) and a surprise for L. 

Dwnstairs, on his desk, sat a bouquet of fresh red roses and a gourmet box of chocolates. 

"Uh…" L looked from the flowers to Watari. "Why are there flowers on my desk?"

"Why don't you go and read the card" Souichiro prompted. Light bit his lip, quiet fury bubbling inside him as L shrugged and opened the card. 

"What?! Is this a joke?" L squeaked as soon as he'd finished reading. "That goat-faced tosspot has a _crush_ on me?"

"Who has a crush on you?!" Light yelled before he could stop himself. 

All eyes turned to Light as he marched over to L and yanked the card from his hands. "Aiber? Who the fuck is Aiber?"

"It's working!" Matsuda nudged Aizawa as Light began having a meltdown. 

"You'd better tell him you're not interested, L. You're my… chainmate" Light trailed off weakly, realizing just what he had said and cringing with embarrassment. 

L, surprisingly clueless in such matters considering he was 'The World's Greatest Detective', shrugged and opened the box of chocolates. "If he keeps sending me candy I'm not saying anything"

"You have to!" Light protested, "You'd be leading him on!"

"Like you're doing with Misa" Aizawa said in a sing-song voice. 

Light scowled. L continued to stuff his face with candy. "I'm _not_ leading her on!" 

Light's foul mood lasted the entire day, and soon the Task Force found themselves on WhatsApp once again:

**Watari: I think it's working. Light won't stop glaring at the flowers. Or L. Or us. **

**Souichiro: I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for him now. **

**Aizawa: I'm not. It's funny. **

**Matsuda: That's mean! :O**

**Aizawa: Shut up, Matsuda. **

**Matsuda: :'(**

Light, meanwhile, had a brainwave. Since L had a crush perhaps the best way to get L's attention was to make him jealous. Inspired, he text Misa to ask her to go on a date with him. 

Perhaps Misa could teleport, for she was soon banging on the door and squealing excitedly about going on a date. 

"What?" Mogi looked from Misa to Light in confusion. This wasn't how it was supposed to go! 

"Hey… Babe" Light looked like he was chewing lemons as he forced the word out, "I've really missed you"

"Awwww, Light! I've missed you too, Baby" Misa leaned in for a kiss. Eyes fixed on L, Light puckered up and endured. 

L continued to stuff his face with candy. 

"Ryuzaki! Let's go! Light said we can go on a date today" Misa bounced happily. 

L sighed dramatically. He'd finished his candy in record time and had finally realised just who was in the room and what the blonde annoyance had said. "No. We're far too busy. Sorry" 

"No you're not!" Misa cried in frustration, "I bet you're just jealous because Light wants to go on a date with me and no one wants to date you!"

L held up the card. "Goat-face does. Watari, message Aiber and tell him I will agree to go on a date with him. Provided he doesn't expect me to put out on a first date-'

"WHAT?!" Light, who had been taking a sip of tea, spat the hot liquid out as his cup dropped to the floor and shattered. 

_'Oh for fucks sake_' Watari thought as he buried his head in his hands. Operation 'Make Light jealous' had been a complete and utter failure. Now Light would be expected to go on a date with Misa and for some reason (probably to get back at Light) L now wanted to go on a date with Aiber. 

_Wonderful_. 


	5. Did you just touch my WILLY??!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aiber has a moment of Gay Panic, Wedy joins the Task Force's plots to get L and Light to JUST FUCK ALREADY, We find out what narcotics the Task Force are partial to, L and Light go out on dates. Light gets insanely jelly and L gets molested. 
> 
> Just another day in the office 😂

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we meet my spirit animal, the sassy and sarcastic Wedy who is totally done with everyone's shit 😂

Aiber was, quite frankly, horrified when Watari reported that L wanted to go on a date. It wasn't because L was unattractive per say, it was because he had a _dick_. Aiber's fragile, self-contrived heterosexual masculinity quivered in fright. 

You see, Aiber had fooled around with guys in college and had done his best to portray an epitome of hetrosexuality ever since. If he went on a date with L would it lead to him being gay? He was convinced he was straight, but that being said, L did have a rather nice ass… 

"Oh no!" Aiber clutched his head in his hands. He suddenly had an overwhelming urge to shave and spritz himself with cologne. Was it already starting?! Would he soon be wearing hot pants and singing along to Celion Dion in the shower?! 

"Just deal with it Aiber" Watari snapped impatiently. "Make the date terrible and L will soon forget all about you. He doesn't like you anyway, he's probably just doing this because Light is going on a date with that bouncy blonde thing"

Aiber's eyes widened at the sheer amount of sass the old man was dropping. Whatever was going on in HQ had clearly gotten to him. "Alright, I will make the date terrible" '_Or try to. If I end up enjoying it I might just up the charm. It works on the ladies and all I'd have to do with L is pile him with sweets and try to ignore him calling me a goat'_

"Good. Sooner we get this over with the better" Watari sighed. "Come to HQ this evening, I'll arrange a table or something"

Aiber was about to protest when Watari signed off. 

"Tonight?!" Aiber squealed. What was he going to wear?! 

*********************

L, meanwhile, was sulking as Light loudly announced his plans to take Misa out that night. It had been decided for properties sake that the chain would have to come off. Watari made sure to book L and Aiber's table in the same fancy restaurant Light had booked for himself and Misa. All was fair in love and war, and Watari was reaching the end of his extremely long tether. It was obvious to everyone but L and Light that they were both upset the other was going on a date. 

'_Why don't you just bloody realise you want to date each other?!'_ Watari thought as L put his headphones in and turned his back on Light. 

The chain was already off but it appeared neither of them seemed to remember that since they continued to sit close together, even though they were ignoring one another. 

L had brought Aiber and Wedy in on the Kira case and the plan was to infiltrate Yotsuba and investigate Higuchi, but in all honesty that was the last thing on anyone's mind right now. 

The work day passed slowly with L and Light not saying a word to one another. They were both sulking and when Aiber and Wedy arrived, Light straight-up glared at the man. _'What a douchebag. Look at that flouncy shirt of his. And that hair! Sleazy old fucker'_ Light narrowed his eyes as Aiber and Wedy introduced themselves to the team. If Kira was gunning for them he hoped the Italian would be the first on their hit list. Hell, if he could find out the man's name he'd probably accidentally on purpose let it slip! 

"Hi, L" Aiber forced a polite smile. "Are you excited about going out tonight?"

"... Yes" L replied rather unconvincingly. "I can't wait," he added in a flat monotone. "_Yay_" he added for further validation that he was, in fact, happy to be going on a date with an Italian 10+ years his senior and resembled a goat and not with Light Yagami. 

"Good…" Aiber scratched his neck, feeling rather awkward as L promptly ignored him in favor of playing Candy Crush on his phone. 

"_Jesus_" Wedy muttered. She'd heard from Watari that things in HQ were 'something of a shit storm' but she had no idea things would be this bad! 

The Task Force, now with the addition of Wedy, huddled together to discuss the situation. 

"Why don't they just admit they want to fuck one another?" Wedy asked bluntly, "It's bloody obvious"

"Yes, but they're _idiots_" Watari sighed as he patted Wedy's shoulder in understanding. "God knows, we've tried"

Wedy shook her head in amazement. "I have a feeling I'm going to need to increase my stock of vodka while I'm here"

"Ah, it's whiskey for me" Watari's eyes twinkled as he leaned forward and whispered. "I'm half cut most of the time, but L doesn't seem to notice. We all need a little extra help to get us through the day with those two"

"Valium" Aizawa named his substance of choice. "I literally couldn't cope without it. I would gut those two like a fish and string their corpses up, then set the entire building on fire without valium"

The team gulped and backed away from Aizawa. He was an angry, moody bastard with the Valium so they dreaded to think what he'd be like without those little white pills he was always popping. 

"I like a bit of the Mary Jane myself" Souichiro mumbled, "But don't tell the wife" he added, eyes darting around suspiciously. 

Wedy's mouth dropped open as Mogi admitted his 'coping with L and Light' substance was also copious amounts of whiskey, but most shockingly of all was Matsuda's. Matsuda 'escaped from it all' by playing club penguin. 

"Why don't you just do drugs?!" Wedy scowled, "They're healthier for you than that shit!"

Matsuda turned two big eyes to her. "You don't understand, Wedy-San, I want to be a penguin. I only feel like myself when I play that game. I become Beakey and… I just feel like I'm _me_"

'_Oh sweet Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?_' Wedy thought as she reached for her diamante hip flask and knocked a hearty swig of vodka back. She had a feeling she was going to need it. 

L and Light were idiots who were too stupid to realise they wanted one another, the Task Force spent most of their day on WhatsApp rather than trying to catch Kira and one of them just happened to identify as a penguin. 

_'God help... '_

********************

Misa arrived dressed to the nines in a skimpy, sparkly red dress. She bounced over to Light and simpered at how handsome he looked in his black slacks and red shirt. 

Wedy lowered her sunglasses to get a good look at the 'Blonde Idiot' Watari had warned her about. 

'_Hmm, she's a pretty thing but I doubt she has many brain cells rattling around up there'_

"Yay! I'm so super-duper excited!" Misa squealed as she took Light's hand in hers. 

'_Scratch that. Seems she has just the one'_ Wedy took a long sip of vodka and flicked her eyes over to where Aiber paced nervously. "What are you so nervous about?"

"I'm not gay!" Aiber suddenly blurted out in panic. "I like vaginas!"

Wedy arched an eyebrow. "Coulda fooled me" she let her eyes linger on the flamboyantly purple shirt he'd chosen, "Plus I've heard all about those college exploits of yours, buddy, you're fooling no one"

Aiber shot Watari a nasty look. '_Gossiping old man!'_ Watari simply smiled innocently in a 'Who, Me?' Way. 

All eyes suddenly turned to L as he walked into the room. Light's jaw actually dropped at the sight of L wearing gray fitted jeans and a trendy black shirt. He was even wearing _shoes_.

"Wow" Aiber mumbled, eyes running up and down L's body. Maybe he wasn't so straight after all! 

'_Oh my god. Look at that ass. Look at those legs.'_ Light's brain went into meltdown and he ignored Misa in favor of just ogling L. 

"What? Do I look that bad?" L mumbled self-consciously, irritated by Light's constant staring. 

"No! You look amazing!" Aiber snatched up L's hand and hastily blocked L's view of Light with his body. Fuck it, he thought, he was definitly trying to hit that. He'd dream up some excuse later. 

"Well, you've both actually booked the same restaurant so I will drive you all there" Watari straightened his tie whilst thinking '_Hope I'm not too over the limit. Oh well'_

"Yay! Let's go" Misa grabbed Light's arm and beamed up at him, "Aren't double dates so much fun?"

Light scowled at the way Aiber was cozying up to L. "Oh yes" he ground out through clenched teeth, "_So_ much fun"

As Watari led them downstairs to the underground garage, Aizawa and Matsuda shared a conspiratorial smile. Light was exceedingly jelly! 

It was just a shame that L, who was supposed to be able to pick up on these things, hadn't noticed at all. 

*******************

Light had rejected his and Misa's table because it was near a window and too draughty. Misa, the idiot, didn't question him and soon they were moved to another table that just so happened to be near L and Aiber's. 

Convenient indeed. 

Watari, who was downing whiskey whilst somehow still looking like a respectable gentleman, was keeping watch over the dates from the bar. Someone had to make sure L and Light didn't kill one another, even on a double date. 

Light ignored Misa's prattling as he concentrated on what Aiber was saying to L. 

"-And age is just a number! I'm an experienced man, Ryuzaki"

L scowled. "Ew, Aiber. I don't want to know about your… 'experience', thank you. I'm here for cake"

Aiber pouted. L sure knew how to play hard to get! "Well…" he lowered his voice seductively and rested a hand on L's knee. L twitched as the wandering hand climbed higher. "I'm here for something _sweet_ as well'

_'Oh no he didn't!'_ Light was horrified and mortified on L's behalf at the corniest pick-up line he'd ever heard in his life. 

L's eyes were huge as he stared at Aiber. He shifted his gaze to Light and noted how closely he was staring at them. '_Ha! I will make you jealous!'_ "Hmm. Order more cake and we will see about that" L smiled coyly, looking oddly alluring and sensual as he peeked out from under black bangs. 

"Light! Are you even listening to me?!" Misa snapped her fingers in front of Light's face. "Why are you staring at them? You're attention is supposed to be on me!"

'_Shit!'_ Light hastily looked away and smiled at Misa. "Sorry, I was just giving Ryuzaki a few pointers and encouragement"

Misa immediately softened. "Oh, Light, you are so kind! I think they've worked, Aiber is feeding L the strawberries from his cake!"

_'Do not look! Do not look!_' Light grabbed the bottle of wine and drank it from the bottle. This would be the first and last date he ever took Misa on. He was tempted to just march over to L and Aiber's table and smash the wine bottle over Aiber's head. 

As it happened, he didn't have to. Aiber grew increasingly handsy and since L had had his fill of cake he wasn't in the mood to put up with it. L's eyes narrowed dangerously as Aiber suddenly grabbed his junk under the table. 

"Did you just touch my WILLY?!' L shrieked in outrage. 

The hushed conversation in the room immediately stopped and all eyes shifted to L. He stood up, eyes dark and furious as he glowered at Aiber. 

"That's assault you creep. Did I give you permission to fondle my penis? No i did not! Watari! I want to leave"

Watari smiled into his glass and quickly hurried over to L. He shot Aiber a discreet wink and Aiber forced himself to smile back. Obviously the old man thought he'd deliberately ruined the date, but the truth was he'd just wanted to cop a feel. 

"Ryuzaki! I'm sorry, Misa, but we'll have to cut this date short" Light was up like a shot, "Poor Ryuzaki is traumatized"

Misa huffed, cursing Light for being such a good friend to Ryuzaki.

Once the bill was settled and L had kicked Aiber in between the legs, it was decided it was probably best to return home. L and Light didn't speak to one another during the journey, but Watari detected each young man was actually rather pleased the evening had been cut short. 

As soon as they arrived back at HQ the chain was put back on and L and Light announced they were going to bed. Misa flounced off to her room in disappointment. 

The Task Force gathered around Aiber to congratulate him on a job well done and Wedy shared a pleased smile with Watari. 

Finally, they were making progress! 


	6. It's all coming out!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light comes out to L, L comes out to the Task Force (not that anyone is surprised) and when the mood turns sour after L's birthday gift to Light, Light spills L's guilty secret and all hell breaks loose...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is this so easy to write? I'm so invested in this travesty it's unreal 😂

That night, L and Light laid side by side in bed and tried not to discuss the elephant in the room (namely, Aiber touching L's willy) yet it hung thickly between them. 

"So…" Light crossed his hands behind his head and tried for casual, "That went well"

L snorted and glanced at Light, "I was _molested_, Light-Kun, I don't think that is anyone's idea of a good time. Unless they're into _that_ sort of thing" L sniffed sadly and returned his attention to Candy Crush. "God dammit, I just can't help myself…" he muttered as he bought yet another pack of boosters. He knew he was on borrowed time. Watari handled his phone bill and it was only a matter of time before he found out.

"..." Light found himself watching L play and wondered just what the hell L found so appealing about it. Lollipops floated around on the screen and L's eyes lit up. '_Ah, right. This is like some kind of candy porn for him'_

"Oooh, look at _that_ lollipop" L was practically drooling, confirming Light's suspicion. "Fuck I want you in my mouth so bad…"

Light tried not to have a nosebleed and decided a quick pivot in conversation was needed before little Light popped up to cause trouble. "Ryuzaki, can I ask you a serious question?"

L nodded his head, eyes still fixed on the swirly lollipop and gazing at it longingly. "Urgh, I would suck you for hours…"

"Are you a virgin?" Light blurted out, face burning red as L whipped his head to him in surprise. 

"What? Of course not" L scoffed, ear tips burning red. "I'm 22, like I'd be a 22 year old virgin…"

Light arched an eyebrow. "So you are then?"

L sighed. "Fine. Yes, I am. Happy now?" 

Light couldn't stop himself smiling as he nodded his head. "I am actually, because I am too"

L finally put his phone away to focus fully on this most important, serious conversation. "Really? I thought you weren't. I mean, you have been dating Misa for three months? You've only been chained to me for a month. Plenty of time for you two to have… done stuff"

Light shuddered. "The truth is… I just don't like tuna" There. He'd said it. 

L frowned. "I don't really understand what your sentiments regarding a fish has to do with your lack of a sex-life with Misa, Light-Kun" L popped a thumb in his mouth and nibbled on it thoughtfully, "However, I too, dislike tuna. I'm glad we have similar opinions in this regard"

'_What?! That's not what I… Jesus fuck is he really that naive?!'_ Light stared at L in disbelief. 

"I meant I'm not into… you know, _Clams_!" Light really didn't want to have to loudly announce he was a raging homosexual but at this point he'd figure he'd have to, because L just tilted his head and looked confused. 

"I'm sorry, Light-Kun, but I am still struggling to understand just why your dislike of seafood has anything to do with Misa.But, again, I empathize with you. Clams are vile" 

Light groaned dramatically as L's attention was once again stolen by that blasted game. He flopped onto his side and closed his eyes. He needed to sleep and forget about clueless detectives and fucking lollypops for a while. His throat was dry so he reached for his glass of water. Hopefully L would try and sleep tonight as well. 

"Light… have you ever had someone touch your willy?" L suddenly asked. 

Light choked on his mouthful of water and sent it spraying across the room. "_What_?!"

"I said 'have you ever had someone-'"

"I know what you said, L, but you don't just ask questions like that!" Light spluttered in shock. 

"Oh, why not? It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question for me to ask. I simply wanted to know if you had shared a similar experience to me" two big, gray eyes stared at Light expectantly. "Has Misa never… touched your private parts?"

'_Oh god. Why is this happening. Is he going to pull a fucking teddy bear out and ask me to show him where the nasty Misa touched me?'_ Light struggled to keep his cool as L continued to stare at him. '_Fuck it'_

"I am a rip-roaring homosexual who is interested in men touching my private parts and I want to put my dick in their ass" Light finally replied. "Does this answer your question?"

'_He's gay?! I would never have guessed! Actually… hang on, didn't he say his crush was a guy? And now that I think about it, he really does spend an inordinate amount of time doing his hair…'_ L closed his mouth and nodded his head. "Yes, I see now why Misa has not touched your willy. Thank you, Light-Kun. Good night" 

L quickly flipped onto his side and nibbled his fingers anxiously. If Light was into guys and he was into guys… 

Maybe they could be into each other! He liked Light. He had no idea if Light liked him back but he was determined to find out. 

Tomorrow he would publically announce he was gay and see what Light had to say about it. 

******************

"Everyone! I have an important announcement to make!"

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at L expectantly. Was this the breakthrough they were waiting for? 

"I… " Dramatic pause. "Am gay"

"...I thought it was something to do with Kira. You know, like something new?" Aizawa scoffed as he returned to Light's birthday cake and continued to cut slices. 

"Doesn't anyone have anything to say about that?" L asked in disbelief. Light was smiling and L wondered if it was because he was happy. Or maybe Light thought he was just copying him because he'd said he was gay the night before. 

"Not really since it's kind of obvious" Watari remarked dryly as he handed L a cup of tea. 

"How is it obvious! I don't even comb my hair, Watari" L snapped back. 

"You downloaded every single episode of 'The Valley' because Matio Nari was in it. If I remember correctly I once walked in on you licking the screen during one of his nude scenes-"

"SHUT UP, WATARI!" L screeched, ears burning red. 

"Oh my" Wedy tinkled, "There's something you don't hear everyday"

L bolted from the room, dragging Light with him. As far as public announcements of ones homosexuality went, it could have gone a lot better. 

"L!" Light gasped as L frogmarched down the corridor. "No one cares that you're gay and you're walking in the opposite direction of _cake_"

L stopped abruptly. "You're right!" He turned and immediately headed back to the room. "I lost my senses there for a moment. So what if I licked the screen. I was 17, what 17 year old hasn't licked a TV screen before?"

_'Uh… most of them_' Light thought but wisely kept his mouth shut. They returned to HQ and L apologized for his outburst before grabbing two slices of cake and pushing them together to form one 'L' sized slice. 

"Oh, happy birthday, Light" L mumbled between mouthfuls, "Your present is on your desk"

Light walked the few paces the chain's give would allow. There, waiting for him in a cute blue box, where four fat, juicy blueberry muffins. Most shockingly of all, none of them had bite marks in. 

"Wow" Light smiled, "Thank you, Ryuzaki. Huh? What's this?" There was another, larger box next to it and he picked it up. He undid the ribbon and opened the box. 

There, in sparkly blue paper, was a mug that said 'Mr Vain' on it. 

"I bought one for everyone" L ignored Light's narrowed eyes, "Aizawa is 'Mr Angry', Matsuda is 'Mr Stupid' Mogi is 'Mr Quiet', Watari is 'Mr Wise' and Wedy is 'Miss Bitch'. Then I customized 'Mr Goat' for Aiber and 'Miss Bimbo' for Misa"

Light's scowl deepend as he clocked the new mugs dotted around the office. 

"_Wow_, L, I'm touched" Light remarked dryly. "And what does your mug say?"

L smiled smugly and held up his 'Mr Sweet' mug. 

"You have gotta be kidding me. You, sweet?!" Light scoffed. 

L glared at him. "You know, I'm starting to think I should have gone with my original idea and bought you a 'Mr Asshole' mug…"

"Yeah? Well yours should say 'Mr Douchebag' on it!" Light snarled back. 

Souichiro and Watari refilled their mugs with neat whiskey. It was only 9 am but damn if they didn't need it. 

"Screw you!" L snapped, eyes flashing as he glared at his chainmate. "You're the only Douchebag around here, Kira!"

"Oooooh" Matsuda nudged Mogi. "Shit's about to go down"

"That does it! Watari! L has a crippling addiction to Candy Crush and has spent thousands on it. Thought you should know" Light smirked smugly as L went pale. 

"Excuse me?" Watari placed his mug down slowly and fixed L with a steely stare. 

_'Is it any wonder why Kira hasn't been caught yet?'_ Wedy thought as Watari began lecturing L on 'Gateway Games'

"You could end up like _him_, L!" Watari pointed at Matsuda. "Do you really want to go down _that_ road?"

L frowned at Matsuda. "I don't want to be as stupid as he is, no"

"He plays… club penguin" Mogi chipped in, shaking his head sadly at Matsuda. 

Horrified, L shook his head. "No! God, I don't want to be like him! I'm sorry. I'll give it up, okay?"

The chain came off and Light demanded a few hours off to spend his birthday was his family. It wasn't like anyone was doing work (as per usual) 

"Good. I don't want to see your face" L snarked as he undone the cuffs. "Asshole"

"Prick" 

"Bellend"

"Douche"

"Have you noticed all their insults pertain to gay sex?" Wedy asked Souichiro as the two continued to bicker. Souichiro sighed and pulled Light away from the verbal sparring match. 

Light left the office to go spend some time with his family and L decided to console himself by eating Light's birthday muffins. 

All in all, nothing had gone to plan. 

As usual. 

Watari confiscated his phone to ring the game developers of 'Candy Crush' and L pouted. He didn't feel so bad when he looked over to Matsuda's desk and saw the man giggling over Club Penguin. 

It was a slippery slope and perhaps this intervention had done him a favour in the long run. Feeling slightly guilty for eating all of Light's muffins he penned a quick '_**Soz**_ :(' post it note and stuck it on the box. 

Then, The Word's Greatest Detective got back to doing what he did best:

Sulking. 


	7. In the Closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The atmosphere is strained between L and Light after the disaster of Light's birthday. Watari decides it is time for desperate measures and locks the boys in the closet...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! They FINALLY realise they want one another! It's only taken like seven bloody chapters!!!

The days following Light's birthday and L's banning from Candy Crush were difficult for the entire team. L, who was missing his game intensely, actually refused to be chained to Light on the grounds it would 'Be too tempting to murder him'

Light knew he should have found the break from the chain thrilling (it was freedom!) but he couldn't. Guilt and irritation warred within him. On one hand he regretted saying anything on the other he felt he was justified. L had eaten all of his muffins. 

"Ryuzaki, can you-" Light tried to ask for the stapler in a calm, detached manner, even though he was gritting his teeth. 

"No! I fucking can't, Light. Just fuck off you preppy bloody wanker!" L snapped as he stormed away. It was all getting too much. He didn't want to identify as a penguin or become as stupid as Matsuda was, but he missed his game so much. It felt like there was a hole inside him and he didn't know how to fill it… (A/N: Light does 😏) 

His attempts at maintaining a civil working relationship had gone to shit._ 'I know, I'll go stab that Melon in the fridge and pretend it's Light's face!'_

Watari heaved a deep sigh and decided that yes, it was time for the boys to return to the closet. Their noses were still healing and he could sense both of them were on edge and out for blood. But, The sexual tension between them was also at boiling point. If they had one of their fights now Watari suspected it might well lead to something of a more sexual nature. 

And god knows that was something they all needed to happen! 

Watari took out his phone and took a deep, steadying breath before he announced his decision to the group:

**Watari: Souichiro, we need an excuse to lock L and Light in the closet together again. **

**Souichiro: Do you think that's wise? L is literally out for blood. I just witnessed him stabbing a melon sixteen times 😑**

**Matsuda: 😱😱😱 Poor Melon! Wait! That's MY Melon! **

**Aizawa: _Was_. 😏**

**Matsuda: 😭😭😭😭**

**Watari:... Anyway, yes, I think it is necessary. If one of them kills the other it will be sad and all, but I will deal with the cover up. This is our final chance before we move in on Higuchi! Just think what we could achieve if those two stopped thinking with their dicks and started using their brains again. **

**Wedy: He's got a point… 💅**

**Souichiro: Alright. I'll take care of Light, you get L. **

**Watari: No problem. I know just what to do. **

*20 minutes later*

L was returning from a bathroom break when he spotted it. A lollypop tied to a string, slowly moving across the floor. 

"Ooooh!" L stared at it hungrily and began to follow it. Watari pulled the string all the way to the closet door and then lifted it up so it dangled temptingly. Like a cat with a toy, L was mesmerized and tried to reach for it. 

Quickly, Watari keyed the closet door open and L stumbled inside. Deciding not to be a dick, Watari pushed the lolly through the bottom of the door and hurried back to HQ, L's angry yells ringing in his ears. 

_'Sorry, my boy, it's for your own good!'_ Watari thought. Hopefully Souichiro wouldn't have any issues luring Light to the closet as well. 

*Meanwhile*

"And then I noticed it had four spelling mistakes on it and… " Souichiro lowered his voice gravelly, "The wrong use of 'You're' "

"_No_!" Light gasped, hand flying up to his cheek in shock. "You have got to show me this poster, Dad, I'm going to ring the printers and complain. I can't believe they would think it's acceptable to blah blah blah blah blah"

Souichiro blocked the rest of his Grammar Nazi son's rant out as he quickly led him to the closet. Hopefully Watari's plan of giving L the lolly to shut him up would work and he wouldn't start yelling before they arrived. 

"It's just through here, Son" Souichiro pointed to the closet door. Critically, they'd chosen another closet for this entrapment. A smaller closet. 

Light pushed open the door of the closet and squinted into the dark. "I don't see anyth-Aaahhhh!"

Souichiro shoved his son as hard as he could and quickly locked the door behind him. Light yelped as he stumbled into a solid body-like thing and yelped again when said body-like thing kicked him in the shin. It kicked like a mule, so that meant it could be only one person. 

"L?!" Light winced as he rubbed his shin. "What are you doing in the closet?"

"Well, I was following a lollipop and when I went to reach it this door opened and I fell inside. I've been here for ten minutes but for some reason no one has heard me yelling for help… why are you in the closet, Light?"

"My dad said there was a poster here that was grammatically incorrect'

L stared at Light in the semi-darkness. "You're such an asshole, do you know that, Light?"

"Not as big of an asshole as you are" Light replied swiftly. "This is all your fault anyway. If you hadn't have bought those stupid mugs and eaten my muffins this never would have happened!" Light punctuated his words by pushing at L's chest. L pushed straight back. 

"Yeah? Well if you hadn't told Watari about Candy Crush then I wouldn't have eaten them in revenge!"

"Lies!" Light rolled his eyes at L's dramatics. "No cake or pastry is sacred from you, you damn _Gannet_!"

"Fuck you!" L pushed harder and Light's back hit the wall. "You fucking infuriate me, Light!"

Light growled and grabbed L before spinning them around and shoving him hard against the wall. L's breath caught as Light suddenly wrapped his fingers around his throat and began to squeeze. "Well guess what?! So do you!" Even in his anger Light wasn't trying to hurt L too much, but when L lifted a knee and smashed it straight into his groin he saw red. He tightened his grip on L's throat while wincing in pain, and yelled in frustration. Like a dam bursting, it all came pouring out as he screamed at L's wide-eyed face. 

"You are the most childish, most pathetic fucking asshole I have ever met! But I want you! Goddammit, L, can't you see I'm fucking _crazy_ about you?!"

L's eyes widened further and he tried to speak but only let out a gurgle of surprise. Light released his grip and they stared at one another, leaning in and gazing into one another's eyes like the protoganists did in the movies, that always make the audience roll their eyes in impatience and think 'Just fucking kiss already!'

"Light" L finally rasped after a full minute of silence and staring at one another's lips hungrily, "Try _harder_"

"Try… " Light released L's throat and stared at him in disbelief. After that heart-felt confession L was making fun of him because he was sporting a semi. 

What. An. Asshole! 

"Ha!" L's eyes sparkled at the embarrassment on Light's face. "Told you, you're a sick puppy, Light, getting turned on whenever we fight"

"Oh yeah? What's this then?" Light reached for the bulge between L's legs and squeezed. 

"That's…" L squirmed as Light continued to rhythmically squeeze and knead his erection through his jeans. "Aaaah…" he spread his legs further and let his head fall back against the wall with a soft thump. 

"You like me too, L. You want me" Light whispered triumphantly as L squirmed and panted beneath his ministrations. "Don't you dare deny it"

"I… still think you're an asshole" L managed to pant as Light continued to palm his cock. 

Light pulled away and glared at him. "_Seriously_, L?!"

"Sorry" L tried to sound sincere. "Can you please continue what you were doing? It felt rather nice"

_'Why am I so hooked on him?'_ Light thought as he pressed closer and pushed their erections together. They both groaned and shuddered at the feeling and soon Light was humping away, his hips rolling into L's. 

It eventually occurred to them that they were dry humping without even sharing a kiss first, so Light lowered his head to L's and gently kissed him. L seemed to melt beneath him and when Light licked across his lips, L opened his mouth.

_'This is definitely the most fun fight we've ever had!'_ L thought as Light continued to suck on his tongue and grind their erections together. 

They forget they were in a closet and were trying to escape as their arousal grew. Light shucked his slacks over his hips and tugged L's jeans down until they were skin to skin. 

Light couldn't help but smirk when he realised he was bigger than L was. 

"Yeah, well, I'm longer" L, who must have read his mind, whined petulantly as their cocks rubbed together slowly. 

"Shut up, L" Light gasped, hips bucking as he felt his balls begin to tighten. 

"Make me" L countered challengingly. Light smirked before he grabbed L's head and kissed him fiercely, occupying that smart mouth as they rocked together. Light pulled away from the kiss and pumped harder, their erections slick and rubbing against one another's beautifully. L wasn't talking now and didn't need shutting up. He was moaning and Light found he rather liked those sounds. 

"Oh, fuck, I'm gonna come soon" Light gasped against L's neck. L was tempted to snark '_Tch, no stamina_' but decided against it since he was pretty sure he was about to explode any second too. 

L latched onto Light's flexing ass and that did it for Light. Light thrust once more and then he was crying out in ecstasy as he came over L's cock and stomach. L followed suit, his eyes rolling back in his head as he enjoyed what was easily the best orgasam of his entire life. 

They clung together and shuddered through the aftershocks, both feeling overwhelmed and a little shy of one another after such an intimate act. Hadn't they been fighting before this happened? 

Where did they go from here? Could they refrain from injuring and/or killing each other long enough to actually try dating? 

"That's gross but…"

L broke the moment by frowning down at their come-splattered stomachs. Light was about to reply when L said something that made his jaw drop open. 

"Is it wrong that I want to _taste_ it?"

"Definitely not wrong!" Light scooped up some come on his finger and held it to L's lips. Looking oddly sultry yet innocent at the same time, L leaned forward and sucked the finger into his mouth, tongue curling around the fat globs of come. 

'_Oh fuck_' Light felt his cock twitch weakly as L moaned and lapped the rest of his fingers. _'Please tell me he has a come kink. Please tell me he has an oral fixation. He's always got something in his mouth, so maybe it can be my dick soon!'_

"Mmm" L moaned as Light pulled his finger out. "That tasted wonderful"

_**'Yeeeeees!!!!!'** _Light bit down the urge to cheer out loud and grinned at his… chainmate. 

"You can have some more whenever you like" he refrained from wagging his eyebrows. That would be too Aiber-Like. 

The moment was interrupted by Watari unlocked the door. Both young men stared at him in horror, pants around their ankles and cooling come on their chests. 

"Uh… this isn't what it looks like" was the first thing L could think of to say, followed by, "Well, actually it _is_…"

Watari merely beamed in delight. "Well! Finally! The next time you two want to kill each other maybe you could just do this instead!" Watari even went so far as to clap Light on the back. "Jolly good. I will leave you boys to it then!"

L and Light stared at one another as the door promptly closed again.

"Light, do you think they've been trying to set us up together?"

Light snorted. "As if, L. Come on, we'd best get back to HQ, we've got that whole capturing Higuchi crap to deal with today…"

L bit his lip, his eyes screaming that he had more he wanted to say. 

"We'll talk later?" Light asked, picking up on the new tension between them. L nodded and they swiftly wiped themselves off, pulled up their pants and returned to HQ. 

Aizawa and Mogi let off party-poppers as they emerged and L and Light glared at the Task Force through a stream of sparkles and confetti. 

"CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS!" Matsuda bounced over to them and slapped Light and L on the back, "How does it feel to be real men?"

"Don't worry, Matsuda, you'll find out for yourself…one day" Light shot back. L turned to him, wide-eyed in delight. Light's sass was actually really sexy when it wasn't directed at him… 

Then the shit hit the fan as Misa stormed over to them and slapped Light across the face. The Task Force face-palmed collectively as they realised they'd forgotten Misa was even there. 

The blonde idol had watched in cold fury as Matsuda strung up a handmade 'Congratulations on finally fucking, Light and L banner' and when L and Light had returned, all rosy-cheeked and smiling bashfully she saw red. 

"We are over!" Misa screamed as she slapped L's face as well. 

"Great, the doors that way!" Aizawa pointed to the exit. "Bye!"

Misa pouted and glared up at Light. "Did you ever love me, Light?" 

The atmosphere was tense as all eyes fell on Misa. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, staring up at Light like a heartbroken Hollywood starlet. Light looked to L and then to Misa. He had a big choice to make. Continue to pretend he was straight and tolerate Misa, or take a chance with the dark eyed detective who he was certain would give him a stress-induced brain aneurysm one day. 

"This is like a real life soap opera" Matsuda whispered to Mogi as they cracked open a bag of popcorn. 

"Nah" Light finally shrugged, his face serious as he leaned in and wiped a tear from Misa's cheek. After another tense moment he picked up Misa's handbag and threw it at her. "Soz"


	8. Chose Ass, Light!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and his team of intrepid idiots move in to arrest Higuchi. L gives Light a tough choice. A fateful decision is made and L gains a new pet Shinigami.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will acrually concentrate on my 'serious' fics again soon. I'm just in a silly mood and indulging in this utter nonsense 😂😂😂

After Misa's abrupt departure, the Team assembled to actually get some work done. Aiber and Wedy were waiting for them at Yotsuba HQ and the choppers were ready on the roof, along with half of Tokyo's armed police officers. It was all action as L, Light and the team finally got stuck in to the work they were supposed to have done months ago. 

Matsuda was giddy with excitement. He was finally going to do big boy things! He fumbled with the gun on his belt and wondered if he'd have to shoot Higuchi. He squeezed his penguin charm for good luck before reporting to the chief for duty. "My body is ready, Sir!" Matsuda saulted with a stupid grin on his face. 

"You're not coming with us" Souichiro snorted when he realised what Matsuda was waiting for. "Sorry, Champ, but the truth is you're an idiot. You have a very important job here, anyway. You are tasked with cleaning the office and buying 20 bottles of champagne for when we return."

"Oh" Matsuda's shoulders drooped. "I'm not going in the big flying-thingy then?"

"It's a helicopter, and no, you're not" L rolled his eyes as he raised his arms for Watari to put on his bulletproof vest like the little Prince he was. "Light and Watari are coming with me"

"Well, Light already _has_" Aizawa mumbled under his breath, earning himself a high-five from Mogi. 

Matsuda pouted as he was left to tidy up. His eyes strayed to the computer and he squared his shoulders. He'd just take some time out and become Beaky. Beaky was respected and well liked and in Beaky he could indulge in who he truly was. 

Maybe, just maybe, he'd be a _yellow_ penguin today… 

******************

"This is incredible!" Light enthused as L diligently guided the helicopter through the nighttime sky of Tokyo. "When did you learn to drive one of these, L?"

"When I was 14" L shrugged his shoulders, "Lawlessness and Anarchy run rampant where I come from"

Light arched a brow. Wasn't L supposed to be justice? "Well, I guess at least you didn't crash when you were 14" Light finally replied with a weak chuckle. Why were things so awkward between them now? They'd rubbed their dicks together! Surely that meant they should be closer than ever! 

"Who says I didn't… " L turned a poker straight face to Light. "It took _weeks_ to clean up the blood splatters, you know…"

_'What the FUCK?!'_ Light's eyes bulged as he stared at a rather creepy looking L. 

"You're not exactly selling Wammy's House, L" Watari tutted as he clean his gun. "Besides, it was one time and everyone has a few teething problems when they first start out. Don't worry yourself about it, Button" Watari leaned forward to pat L's head. 

_'You've got to be kidding me!'_ Light whipped his head to Watari. "He actually killed people?"

"_Maimed_" L corrected primly. "Mostly. I think 2 or 3 might have ended up decapitated by the blades. Can't remember. Anyway, Yotsuba HQ is dead ahead. Dead. Heh… " L tittered at his own dark joke while Light stared at him helplessly. 

Watari rolled his eyes at Light and shouldered his gun, taking aim like a bad-ass Grandpa. "Get off your high horse, Light, you've killed more than your fair share of people as well. He without sin should cast the first stone and all that!"

"What I'm saying" L sent Watari a mental high-five while Light scowled at them. 

"I don't even remember being Kira and there's no proof I even was to begin with" Light protested. "Higuchi is Kira!"

"_Now_ he is, yeah" L began to bring the helicopter down. On the streets below, hundreds of armed and masked police officers were waiting for orders from who they believed was a mature and competent Detective, not a sulky, twenty something year old obsessed with Candy Crush. 

Light, who was sort of freaked out to know L was a killer, shifted away from him as L began issuing orders for the teams to storm Yotsuba HQ. 

"Come in SassyBitch, this is Pandaface22! You take the top floor. If he's got a gun don't forget to YEET out of there! I don't want you dead, you still owe me money"

"Got it, Pandaface22, SassyBitch out"

"L… I genuinely worry about you" Light said slowly. "Are you taking medication?"

"Aw, that's sweet, Light" L smiled obliviously, "Thanks! I'm fine though, no need to worry!"

Then suddenly it was all action as a struggling Higuchi was brought out by armed officers. 

"Huh, he looked hotter on surveillance" L mumbled as he passed a thumb over his lip. 

"Hey!" Light spluttered in outrage. "You're supposed to be my… chainmate!"

"Is _that_ what they're calling it these days" Watari muttered dryly as he aimed at Higuchi. Any funny business and he'd fill the man with lead. 

L landed the helicopter (not decapitating anyone this time) and waited for Higuchi to be cuffed and led into the back of a police van. Souichiro took the small, black notebook from Higuchi's person and let out a piercing scream, hands flying up to his face in horror. 

"What's up with Dad?" Light frowned as Souichiro continued screaming. "Is he having a midlife crises?"

"No. As something of an expert on them, he'd be screaming a lot more" Watari waved at Souichiro. The Chief ran over to the chopper, his face ghostly pale. 

"Dad?"

"It's a monster! A big, white, lanky thing with _awful_ hair!"

"Hey!" Rem crossed her arms, "It's called fashion, Pal, look it up!"

"A monster?" L reached for the Death Note and stared at the tall, white thing. "Wow. Looks like I'm tripping balls"

"Let me see-"

L suddenly yanked the Death Note out of Light's reach. "Uh-uh. I suspect if I let you touch this you will regain your memories of being Kira. So, Light, I'm going to give you a choice. You promise not to touch the Death Note and you get to plough my ass. But if you do touch the Death Note like a naughty Kira I refuse to take things further than first… second base" L amended, remembering they'd already rubbed their dicks together. 

"Shit!" Light clutched his head in his hands as he tried to make his decision. Someone started playing the countdown theme on their mobile. 

"Son! I would be so disappointed in you if you become Kira again-"

"I might not have been Kira in the first place!" Light screamed dramatically. 

"You were, Light. I didn't want to tell you this but… I found a notebook in your possessions with 'I'm Kira LOL' and 'God of teh Nu World!' Etc scribbled in it" L patted Light's shoulder in sympathy as Light's lower lip trembled and he hung his head. 

"I want to plough your ass" Light finally sniffed. "I won't touch the Death Note"

"What?!" Rem and Ryuk squawked. 

"Good. Well, that's settled. White thing, you're coming with us" L nodded at Rem, "We'll pin everything on Higuchi and jobs a good un" L rubbed his hands together gleefully. He did so love Justice! 

And with that, Rem found herself tethered to the idiot L Lawliet since he now possessed her Death Note. Ryuk threw his hands up and declared 'Fuck it all!' Before heading to the orchard to dig up his own damn Death Note. Next time he'd give it to someone who didn't think with their dick, he decided. 

Higuchi admitted everything under intense interrogation (Mogi and Aizawa pulled out the big guns and played 'Baby Shark' on repeat until he cracked) and consequently, Light was let off the hook. Higuchi was banged up for life, traumatized and humming 'Baby Shark' over and over as he rocked back and forth. 

"I hope you realise the only reason I'm not convicting your son is because I want to shag him, Yagami-San" L announced once they had returned to the office. 

"I am aware of that" Souichiro cleared his throat. "We are all happy that you will just fuck already very soon. And that Kira was captured. Because that's important too"

Light did feel a bit guilty about having been Kira before but the prospect of fucking L easily brushed that aside. L decided he would use the Death Note as a microphone to shout at Matsuda from the other end of the office, and Watari let the world know that the evil Kira had been apprehended and that, once again, L had saved the day. 

"I'm a hero" L smiled as he shoveled a pile of Haribo in his face. 

"You didn't really do anything" Wedy pointed out. 

"I did. I sat in the helicopter and negotiated with Kira. The _Original_ Kira" L protested. "It was Ass or Death Note and he chose Ass" L took a long swig of champagne from the bottle. "I like Rem, though. I'm keeping her"

"No" Rem shook her head. "I am a God of Death! You should tremble before me, Human!"

L smiled drunkenly up at her. "You're so cute. Definitely keeping you, Remy-Babe"

"I could write your name down, right now!" Rem threatened menacingly. She pulled out her Death Note and glowered at L. 

L responded by turning two huge puppy dog eyes to her. 

"... Fine" Rem sighed and put her Death Note away. "But if I'm hanging around here I need a vice to get me through"

L shrugged and handed her a bottle of champagne. "Cheers!"

Rem downed the entire bottle and soon found herself exceedingly drunk. She grabbed another and another, until she collapsed in a drunken stupor o n the floor. 

And so, on that fateful day, Kira was defeated, Light chose ass and an alcoholic Shinigami was born… 


	9. Alexa! How do you finger someone properly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light take their sexual exploration to the next level (much to the joy of the Task Force) Watari has a hard truth for L regarding his status as 'A bottom bitch' for life, and the grand event is celebrated as L and Light decide to live stream their first time...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goooooooodddddd.... 
> 
> I am determined to finish this cracky story before I return to my more serious fics. It's like I'm in the crack zone 😂

It had been two weeks since Higuchi had been captured, yet Light had still not ploughed L's ass yet. 

"I just need time, Light, it's a very big step" L soothed. "How would you feel if you were the one to have an eight inch pecker stuck up your bum?"

Light had to concede he had a point. He spent his time googling 'hot gay sex tips' whilst L underwent therapy for his 'crippiling addiction'

For some reason the Task Force hadn't been disbanded yet despite Kira being caught. It was decided that the Task Force would be kept on 'For shits and giggles' until they, inevitably, had enough of one another. 

"The NPA will fund us anyway" L had said through a mouthful of Nutella, "We can like… say we're keeping watch incase another Kira pops up or something. Deal with it, will you, Watari?"

Watari rolled his eyes but agreed to sort it out. He'd miss Souichiro, Wedy and Mogi if they left. Who would he get drunk with then? His eyes fell on an absolutely wasted Rem. Maybe her too. She was L's pet Shinigami afterall. 

The prospect of some hot bum-action in the near future mellowed Light and L's mood and they finally announced (publically, obviously) that they would fuck already on the 10th, probably before lunch but not too long before, and that they would be greatful for lube. Watari promptly produced an industrial bottle of 'Astro-Glide' and handed it to L and Light. 

This was the cumulation of all of their efforts, and a few tears were shed when Light announced he was taking a few hours off to 'finger L' in preparation for the main event. 

"That's my boy" Souichiro sniffed as he dabbed at his eyes. "Feels like only yesterday he was going to nursery. Now he's going off to finger another man's butthole"

"I know" Watari soothed with a friendly pat to the chiefs back. "They grow up so fast!"

Wedy and Aiber shared a look. 

"It's not fair" Aiber sulked as he took a long swig of vodka from his 'Mr Goat' mug. "I should be the one fingering L!"

"Thought you were straight" Wedy smirked, "That didn't last long"

"..." Aiber sunk down further into his chair. "I am straight, I just fancy men, okay?"

_'... Why am I still here?'_ Wedy asked herself as she refilled her cup. All anyone ever did was drink, play club penguin, talk absolute shit or eat inordinate piles of sugar. This was the elite Task Force the entire world was praising for their role in bringing Kira to justice. 

If only they knew… 

********************

"Ow!" L yelped when Light jabbed too hard, "Alexa! How do you finger someone's ass properly?" L yelled in frustration as Light cursed under his breath. 

'_**Here is what the Society for Epic Buttsex has to say…'**_

After following Alexa's advice, Light was soon twisting his fingers and hitting L's prostate like a pro. 

"Oh my god!" L came with a shriek, his entire body trembling as he spurted all over the sheets. Light grinned smugly as he watched L fall apart because of his epic finger-banging skills. "That was amazing" L sighed when he finally came back down to earth. Light felt overcome with tenderness and stroked through L's hair until his breathing had stabilized again. When L wasn't talking or insulting him he was actually rather cute. 

"Any chance you feel like sucking me off?" Light asked after a few tender moments of kissing and nuzzling one another. 

"No problem" L was already half-way down the bed. "All I have to do is pretend I'm sucking on a lolly, right?"

"Yes, but no biting" Light was quick to clarify as L took his cock in hand and gave it a few experimental pumps. Light lay back and sighed in bliss as L toyed with his cock, licking the tip and moaning at the salty tang of pre-come. They might want to kill each other outside of the bedroom but it appeared inside the bedroom they were simply made for one another. 

L sucked him down to the base like a pro and was soon going to down, swallowing him down and bobbing his head like a prostitute with no gag reflex. Light came embarrassingly fast, fingers tightening in L's hair as he screamed his pleasure loud enough for the Task Force to hear far below. The Task Force let out a cheer and set off party poppers in honor of the momentous occasion. 

"Mmmmm yum!" L moaned once he'd finished lapping every single bead of come up. "I think this is fast becoming my new favourite hobby. Definitely like sucking dick more than Candy Crush! From now on, everytime I get a craving to go on that game I'm going to suck your cock, okay?"

'_Score_!' Overjoyed, Light pulled L up for a kiss. He couldn't say he particularly liked the taste of spunk on L's tongue, but he hoped it would be something that would grow on him considering L was probably going to be sucking his cock a lot as he weaned himself off Candy Crush. 

After cleaning up, the two returned downstairs to rapturous applause. 

"So? How was it? Did L suck you like a vacuum cleaner?" Aizawa asked, seeming surprisingly eager. 

"Oh yeah" Light flushed, "He sure did!" He looked at L, who was smiling smugly. 

"Ha! £20 to me!" Aizawa turned to Mogi and held out his hand. "You should have known better. He spends most of his time fellating lollipops, Mogi"

Mogi sighed and rummaged in his wallet for the money. Aiber burst into tears and fled from the room, utterly devastated it wasn't his winky L had sucked on. 

Since no one had any work to do, the topic of conversation returned to when L and Light were actually going to just fuck already. 

"Tomorrow" Light decided as he entwined his fingers with L's. "I'm going to set up some mood lighting, get some rose petals… it's going to be perfect"

L smiled and pressed a kiss to Light's cheek. A collective 'Aaaw' went around the room as everyone enjoyed a version of L and Light who were actually nice to one another. Finally, finally peace and harmony had descended. 

Until Matsuda ruined it by asking who was going to top. 

"Well, I am, obviously" Light's chest puffed up with pride, "I am clearly the more viral, Alpha male between us"

"_**Excuse me?**_?" L shrieked. "You cry every time you get a split-end in your hair!"

"So? You said if I didn't touch the notebook again I got to 'plough your ass' and that is what I intend to do. Besides, I've already fingered you so I called dibs on being a top now forever. Sorry, Baby" Light wrapped his arm around L's shoulders and pinched his uke's cheeks. "Don't worry, you are going to love being ploughed by my throbbing rod of love, I promise"

L pouted and looked to Watari for guidance. "Am I really a bottom for life now?"

"I'm sorry, Son, but you did say that and he has called dibs. All you can do now is accept your role as a bottom bitch"

"Fine" L huffed. Watari knew all about this kind of stuff since he used to run a prostitution ring come crack house as a side hustle. He would bow to his wisdom. 

"Great, now that's settled, come and look at what we've set up" Souichiro clapped L's back and led him to his laptop. There, on the screen, was the Task Force's premium Twitter account. 

"Uh…" L and Light looked at one another. 

"It's so you can keep us informed and live stream when you finally have sex!" Matsuda grinned excitedly. 

Wedy and Rem shared a long suffering look. 'Vodka?' Wedy mouthed at her. Rem, being a seasoned alcoholic by now, eagerly accepted and knocked it back like it was water. 

"I'm not sure how I feel about this…" Light began nervously. "I mean, it's both of our first times and we want it to be special. I'm not sure if live streaming it and sharing it with the world would interupt that-"

"Son. Your mother is throwing a 'My son's getting Laid!' Party! Even Mr Toutasha is attending. You can't let us down. The whole world deserves to know you too are finally fucking already. With great power comes great responsibility, Son"

L and Light looked at one another in resignation. "Well, alright, but we just have to Tweet, right? I don't want any amuetur porn ending up on the Internet"

"Just Tweet! That's it" Watari patted L's shoulder soothingly. "And if he hurts you or goes too hard just say the word and I'll be up there with the shotgun, alright, Princess?"

L smiled and hugged Watari happily. 

Light gulped and wondered if it was too late to back out of this live-streaming business. 

Apparently it was, as suddenly the Nin e o clock news announced the breaking story that L and Light were finally going to fuck already… 


	10. The Glorious Moment!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L and Light finally fuck already (and live stream it) but the Task Force soon find themselves bitterly regretting their decision as L and Light turn into THAT couple...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! The end is here. Thank you to everyone who has read, commented and enjoyed this absoulte travesty of a fanfic. I've enjoyed writing it immensely but I am eager to get back to my more serious fics now! 
> 
> However.... Now that I've written a crack fic... There may be another in the future. So brace yourselves, Kids 😂

The fateful day had arrived. An atmosphere of hushed excitement descended upon the office as everyone waited in excited anticipation. 

Watari, being the soldier he was, had walked L through the fine art of 'Douching' and now L was squeaky clean and mentally preparing himself for his tender rosebud to be rammed. 

Light, however, was still nervous about the whole Live streaming thing. When he was he supposed to have time to stream when he was hammering away at L? Did they take breaks to post updates? What if he came embarrassingly fast and L updated: '_**Ha! He's finished already, what a LOSER!' **_

That would _crush_ him. 

"Baby?" Light turned to his chainmate (because for some reason they hadn't taken it off yet) "You're not going to say anything bad about me, are you?"

L was quick to adopt his best poker face. "Of course not, Light. It wounds me you would even think that"

Not exactly reassured, Light sighed and returned his attention to Twitter. So far, 1,232 people had commented. Some had wished he and L luck, while others had simply asked for Nudes. A few posted links to the pyramid schemes they were sucked up in and one, a Mr Jenkins from Colorado, had even tried to stop it from happening. 

**'I will buy that soft, sweet young frog-boy's virginity for 1 million USD!'**

"I don't know… I mean… 1 million is a lot" Matsuda had mumbled before he was banned from Club penguin for the rest of the day. 

"The only person taking this soft, sweet young frog-boy's virginity is Light!" Souichiro had scolded as he sent Matsuda to the naughty corner. 

The Task Force monitored Twitter closely, and soon the paparazzi turned up. "Fuck" Mogi mumbled as he stared down at the hoards of reporters far below. "Everyone is behind you guys!"

"Except Misa" Aizawa pointed out. "She's just posted: 'I hope you two get stuck together and L gets pregnant hahaha!'"

L frowned. He didn't want to get pregnant… 

"It's time!" Watari suddenly announced. If was 11 am, and the Twitter Live stream exploded with activity. 

"Go on, my son!" Souichiro waved the Japanese flag with pride as Light took L's hand. A moment of seriousness passed between them as they stared into one another's eyes. 

"Ready?" Light asked softly. 

"Yes. I'm finally ready to get my Anal V card punched in" L announced with a nod of his head. 

"Your anal… wait a minute! You're not a virgin, are you? You've fucked a girl!" Light recoiled in horror. 

Wedy suddenly made herself scarce with a muffled 'Yeet!' As all eyes turned to her. 

"Well yes, but technically I'm still half a virgin" L shrugged. "I thought you knew about Wedy and I? I mean, we fucked in the lifts once so we were hardly discreet about it… "

"WHAT?!" 

"Oh dear" Watari, resigned to his role as peacekeeper, stepped in and stopped Light from punching L in the face. "Come with me. I'll sort this out"

*20 minutes later*

As Watari took L and Light upstairs to talk to them, Mogi, Aizawa and Souichiro dealt with the impatient masses on Twitter:

**Mushroommadness27: Why hasn't there been an update yet? I've taken a day off work for this! 😡**

**Froggobaggins: Bet they've pussied out. 😬**

**Mysonisgettinglaidwoohoo: No, they haven't. There's just a few… technical difficulties. Stand by, the fucking will commence shortly. **

**ColoradoJenks: Still think I should be the one pounding that sweet ass but there you go… 😍**

**Buttsexisfun: When is it happening?! **

**Mysonisgettinglaidwoohoo : Imminently. Please be patient. I know we are all excited about them finally fucking already, but last minute nerves must be respected. **

**MogiMogiMogiMan!: Plus, Light has only just found out that L isn't technically a virgin since he fucked Wedy seven times. **

**Everyone: 😲**

**Mysonisgettinglaidwoohoo: Mogi! You weren't supposed to tell them that! 😓**

**MogiMogiMogiMan: Oops. 💁**

**AngerissuesandAffros: Hahahahaha! 😂**😂😂

*Meanwhile with L, Light and Watari*

"So you see, technically L is a _gay_ virgin. He didn't know he was gay until he met you, Light" Watari said soothingly. 

"So when was the last time you fucked Wedy?" Light asked sharply. "It better not have been since you met me"

"...Noooo. Definitely not since then!" L shook his head, "Wedy was a mistake, that's all"

"A mistake that happened seven times!" Light growled. 

"I'm a slow learner! God, Light, I'm not perfect you know" L sniffed. "As soon as I discovered I liked cock I broke things off with her, alright? I am a gay virgin like Watari said. I was just confused before"

Watari smiled proudly as the pair talked through their differences and at 12.30 pm (after a spot of light lunch) it was announced the fucking would commence at 1 pm on the dot. 

Twitter exploded and the site actually crashed as 19 million people began to follow the live stream. L and Light had broken the world record for the most followed live stream and they hadn't even done anything yet. 

Sachiko Yagami popped the champagne and her party kicked off in style as the world waited with baited breath for L and Light to bone one another. 

Once Watari had left, Light dimmed the lights and led L over to the bed. They shed their clothes and kissed hungrily, funneling months of pent up aggression and frustration into the kisses until they were hard and aching for one another. 

"I'm so glad you're gay now, L" Light sighed as they laid down on the bed. 

"Me too" L looped his arms around Light's next then announced to his phone: Send a Tweet: Light is going to start stretching my butthole out now. 

**Mrpinkypoo: OMG it's HAPPENING! **

Light announced to twitter that he was stretching L's butthole and that L's ass was glorious. 

"Oooh! Thanks, Light!" L panted as he raised his hips and arched his back. "Aaah! There!" He screamed when Light curled his fingers and hit his prostate dead on. 

"Tell them I just found your prostate" Light grinned as he continued to stimulate L's prostate into he was a moaning mass on the bed. 

"Ah! I c-can't!" L clawed at the sheets as his back arched. "Light! I'm gonna come!"

"Waaaaaaaayyyyyyy!" Sounded from downstairs and then clinking as glasses were toasted. 

"I'm about to make L come from fingering his butthole" Light announced proudly to their live stream. 

**Badgersaresexy: Yay! Have a nice orgasam, L! 😘**

**ColoradoJenks: Do it, frogboy! I want to imagine it all over my face! 😏**

"Aaaaaahhhhhhh!" L came with a long, warbling yell and Light just had to brag to the live stream. 

"L just came all over the bed. Seriously, he's still shooting and twitching now. I am an epic sex god!"

(From downstairs) "Yes! That's ma boy!"

It was full steam ahead from there. L and Light actually forgot about the live stream as Light eased his lubed cock inside L's body. 

**Munchinarmy: What's happening?!!! **

**Mysonisgettinglaidwoohoo: Magic is happening. **

**#1ClubPenguinFan: I can hear the bead springs! Light is pounding L! **

And Light was pounding L. After a few teething problems where his cock popped out once or twice, they soon found their rhuthum and Light went right at it, hips pumping away and ass flexing as he rammed L full of cock. 

"Oh my god! This is _amazing_!" L declared as he tossed his head back passionately. "Light has such a huge cock!"

**MumofTwo: How big, L?! How big is his cock?! Damn I want to be a guy right now! **

"It's uh… eight inches-" L began to answer but Light quickly covered his mouth. 

"Nine!" Light hissed. 

"Nine inches!" L dutifully reported to his phone. Everyone on Twitter was in an uproar over Light's 'Massive Dong' and it gave the boys the time they needed to switch positions. 

L got on his hands and knees and Light pounded away doggy style, occasionally spanking L's ass for good measure.

*Meanwhile, Downstairs*

The loud bangs, groans and animalistic shrieks continued as the Task Force sat at their computers, drinks in hand and reporting to the world what was happening. 

Matsuda was busily colouring a new sign 'CONGRATULATIONS ON FUCKING ONE ANOTHER!' with sparkly crayons while Rem and Wedy continued to drink themselves into a stupor. 

"Cant believe you actually fucked that idiot" Rem slurred accusingly. 

Wedy sighed. "I was going through a dry spell, and there is actually something oddly sexy about him…"

If Rem had eyebrows she would have raised them. '_Humans are so fucking weird'_ she thought. 

"Fuck me, Light! Spank me and tell me I've been a bad boy!" L screamed at the top of his lungs as the bed creaking and thumping picked up pace. 

Souichiro shook his head in awe and wiped away a tear. He was so proud! They were nearing the 'climax' of the action now, judging by the loud bangs of the headboard.

"Aaaghhh! You've been such a bad boy, L! You naughty little slut! Take it! Take it from Daddy!" Light's bellowing answer sounded and the Task force fell into hushed silence. 

Watari and Souichiro exchanged a glance at 'Daddy' Had Light overheard Souichiro call Watari that during one of their 'private' moments? 

And then, in a moment of glorious and stupendous ecstasy, Light shouted out in triumph and filled L's ass with his hot, white man-juice. 

**Sheidnckaksndjc: CONGRATS GUYS! I'm so excited for you djrnsosndksnxkeksnwoamxniqwlnssjskka!!!1**

**MARJsmiTH: well done, Lads! This has been a life changing experience for you and for me! May God bless all your future endeavours. Much love, Marj and Jonathan. **

**SendNudez: Send Nudes!!! **

The live stream went dead as L and Light collapsed in post-coital bliss. The final message before it ended was from L:

"That was fucking goooooood!"

*********************

The next day, L and Light emerged downstairs all rosey cheeked and glowing. The Task Force immediately noted the change in them, especially L. 

He had combed his hair and was wearing a pair of Light's fitted slacks and a jumper. He was even wearing shoes. Light, clung on to L's hand and loudly exclaimed at how 'cute' his little 'Bunnibuns' looked. 

"What… the fuck?" Aiazawa whispered as L and Light floated past them on their little cloud of happiness. 

"Good morning, Father!" Light smiled happily, "Good morning, Work family!"

"..."

"You're all rather quiet today" L remarked as he looked around at the shocked group, "What's up?"

"Um… L… you seem to be wearing Light's clothes" Wedy finally voiced what everyone else was thinking. 

"Oh, that. Yes well, now that we are dating and stuff I decided I should look more presentable for my baby. Lighty is just the cutest and I want to make him proud of me"

Light cooed and gathered L into his arms. "You do, Sweetie, I love you so much, Baby!"

"Aaaaw, I love you too, Sexy" 

And then, to the horror of all who stood witness, they _Eskimo_ kissed. 

"What have we done?" Souicjiro whispered as L and Light suddenly skipped out of the room, giggling about needing some 'alone time' together to 'celebrate their love'

"What have we doooonnnne!" Souichiro fell to his knees and tore out his hair as the banging and screaming began once again from upstairs. 

It was apparent to everyone that they had made a very fundamental error. By finally fucking, L and Light had become that couple. The one who always called each other baby names, wouldn't stop talking about one another and who needed to be physically in each others pockets or they'd die. 

"I can't wait to tell everyone how funny you are and how much you make me laugh, Baby!" Light panted loudly as he pumped his hips. 

"I can't wait to tell everyone how clever you are, Babe! I'm going to tell everyone we are soulmates and meant to be together!" L yelled in ecstasy as Light battered his rosebud. 

Downstairs, the Task Force trembled with fear. They had unleashed a monster…

Epilogue: (1 week later) 

"And then Light said we should both start eating Organic, so I said, 'Oh, Babe, you're soooooo smart!' And then Light said… Heh, you won't believe what Light said"

Watari pinched the bridge of his nose as L continued to chatter away. "What did he say, L?" He ground out between clenched teeth. 

"Light said that I have the prettiest gray eyes in the world! Isn't he just perfect…" L let out a long, breathy sigh and sighed as he added more love hearts to the doodles of 'Light & L forever' he'd dotted his Death Note with. 

And so, it was in that moment that Watari, Souichiro and the Task Force realised that old saying was true. Be careful what you wish for. 

"We should never have pushed them to just fuck already" Aizawa mumbled as L and Light buzzed around the room handing out Light's homebaked Granola snacks. "I'd rather them be at each other's throats again" Aizawa shook his head as Light suddenly scooped L up, princess style, and kissed him passionately. "Dear G od, they're disgusting"

And that, Dear Readers, is the tale of how the entire Task Force bitterly regretted their part to play in getting L and Light to 'Just Fuck Already'

The End. 

(Thank God for that!) 

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me with some feedback 😍


End file.
